• Written by Jay Ryan

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“How big of a tire can I fit on my truck?” If I had a nickel for every time I heard this question over the years then I wouldn’t be writing hilarious blogs on the internet. I would be on the driving range of some golf course, pounding bloody mary’s like a true aristocrat. Since that is not the case I am invariably forced to respond to this query by asking, “Kind sir, what kind of truck do you have and is it lifted? Do you have stock wheels or aftermarket? Is it two wheel drive or four wheel drive?” These are all pertinent questions I ask to help me arrive at an adequate response for our customer. More often than not I am met with this response: “It’s a two wheel drive but it sits up like a four wheel drive. It can go anywhere a four wheel drive can. My daddy had an ol’ two wheel drive back in the day and brother it would do everything a four wheel drive can do. How ‘bout those immigrants? I still say it’s Hillary’s fault. It’s all in those emails, all you have to do is look. It’s a democratic conspiracy, I’ve been sayin’ it for years.”

Stunned silence on my end. “So is it lifted or nah?” “Naw it ain’t lifted.” “Do you want to lift it?” “No I just want to put the biggest tire I can on there.” “How big is the tire you have on there now?” “I don’t know. They’re Mastercrafts I think.”

This is the stuff tumors are made of. This is the reason for blood pressure medicine. What’s another good one? Oh shit! Popping noises. Follow me.

“Off-Road King, this is Jay.”

“Hey man, ya’ll fix front ends?”

“Yessir, what do you have going on?”

“Some kind of poppin’ noise, can ya’ll fix that?”

“That depends on what it is but I’m sure it’s something we can handle. I’ve got a spot Monday morning to check it out if that works for you.”

“How much is it gonna be?”

“To look at it? I won’t charge you to look at it.”

“Well how much is it to fix it?”

“I don’t know, we need to look at it first.”

“Well what do you think it is?”

“Sir I have no idea but…”

“It’s a popping noise, only does it in the Wal-Mart parking lot when I turn left going over a bump between 15 and 17 miles an hour. But it don’t do it every time. What could that be?”

“Sir, again I have no idea. We would have to look at it first to give a proper diagnosis.”

“Well I need to know how much it’s gonna be before I bring it in. I’m expecting a big tax return this year and I’m gonna use that money on my side by side. Do ya’ll work on side by sides? It’s making a poppin’ noise too. Can ya’ll fix that too? How much would that be?” 

It’s at this point I question abandoning my continued education. I ponder all of the possibilities, the roads less taken. I could have been one of those Turkish ice cream vendor guys on Tiktok. 

Okay, one more. “Hey man, can ya’ll get wheel adaptors?”

“Yes sir. What kind of vehicle are we working on and what is the bolt pattern for the wheel you’re trying to put on?”

“Does it matter?” Lord take me now.

“Yes.”

“Why?” God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.

“Because this isn’t a universal application and there may not be an adapter out there to work with your setup.”

“But my buddy said I just need some universal 4 lug to 8 lug adapters.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“Are you calling my buddy a liar? He was in the Navy so he knows about this stuff.”

“Sir, I would never impune the good word of a sailor but I assure you that there is not a universal 4 lug to 8 lug wheel adapter.”

“So you can’t get’em, huh?”

“Nobody can get them.”

“Ima google it. Bye.” Precious moments I will never get back. Hairs turned gray forever.

So folks, those are just a couple examples of the uncommon questions hurled at us across the counter and through the phone that have surprisingly common answers. Please, I implore you to not try to come up with anymore. I doubt my fragile mind can take it. But if you do come up with some then ask for Blake, his giant head is more than capable of handling repeated abuse. K love you bye.